i fucking hate the fact that i can feel so upset, and want to vent it all out to someone and break down and let them see that vulnerable side of me, so i don’t seem like i’m faking it and so that i can let it all out. but i know as soon as i try and open up to anyone, the smiles on my face, i’m making it seem humorous and not serious at all, putting my guard up so they don’t see how broken i am in that moment of time. And really it doesn’t help at all, because i need to cry and i need to cuddle someone and have them really reassure me that it’ll all be ok again, but i cant stop myself from putting that guard up, and in the end i still need all that. I still need to really vent and break down and let it all out. But its trapped inside the walls that i’ve built.